TOBY PETZOLD

John McCain has just made himself and the Governor of Alaska the President and Vice President of the United States.

I’m finally getting to watch Sarah Palin address her first audience as the presumptive nominee and she is a delight. I am just beaming. She seems to have real respect for McCain, if not the personal chemistry just yet. And what a beautiful family. They say she calls her husband —who I would guess is most women’s ideal man— the “First Dude.” Ha, ha. Great-looking kids and just amazing details of her biography.

I think, if fair-minded women voters are honest about this election and what Palin’s elevation means for them, they cannot doubt that this is a courageous choice McCain has made and that Sarah Palin is a woman worthy of considering for the job.

Oh, and Barry? Epic Fail. Then again, maybe McCain’s announcement did you the favor of a mercy flush for last night’s bacchanal of banality. And how did you respond to the most interesting news of this day? With a graceless post-it note with your contempt for certain of our citizens. You lose, liar.

The Speaker of the House announced today:

Americans know that thanks to the two oilmen in the White House, consumers are now paying $4 a gallon for gas. But what Americans should realize is that what the President is calling for is drilling as close as three miles off of America’s pristine beaches and in other protected areas.

The President has failed in his economic policy, and now he wants to say, “but for drilling in protected areas offshore, our economy would be thriving and the price of gas would be lower.” That hoax is unworthy of the serious debate we must have to relieve the pain of consumers at the pump and to promote energy independence.

How are Bush and Cheney responsible for the huge spike in the price of oil across the world? Could it be that the two most populous nations on Earth are seeing huge spikes in their own consumption of oil —and that this, above all else, is what’s driving these prices? It’s nothing but lunatic gibberish to blame these “oilmen” for the astonishing growth of China’s and India’s economies.

Were it not for the completely outmoded restrictions placed on domestic oil production and refining capacity by asshole Democrats, the United States would obviously be in a better position to adapt to the global increase in the price of oil —again clearly driven by the spike in Asia’s consumption.

Our country does not allow new oil refineries or new nuclear power plants to be built because of the anachronistic “concerns” of asshole Democrats. These restrictions weren’t an issue when we were paying a buck a gallon not too many years ago, but now? The lack of foresight on the part of environmentalists and their Gaiist fringe is now costing us all. Our economy is suffering not because we don’t have the resources, but because assholes and Edenists won’t permit their use.

Note that the same sacks of hippie shit who think themselves superior to Christians by virtue of Science are the ones who have no confidence in American drilling and refining technology. How much oil was spilled when Katrina and Rita devastated the Gulf Region? Not even enough to get Obama to Davos and back.

Why are the Democrats handing such a gift to the Republicans? I don’t know. But if Bush is smart, he’ll pull a Truman on these do-nothing liars this summer and make them reconvene the Congress to allow a vote on lifting these stupid restrictions. If there’s some Republicans in trouble who’d rather be back home campaigning, then let them make their case to their constituents from the floors of the House and Senate. They’ve got work to do and they can damned well do it from there.

Now we have McCain rejecting John Hagee’s endorsement with Hagee withdrawing it simultaneously, which is a rather thoroughgoing end to a superficial and uncomfortable association. One can almost imagine that the straw that broke the camel’s back —the revelation of Hagee’s supernatural explanation for Hitler’s genocidalism— was a deliberately occasioned break.

Consider: McCain doesn’t need Hagee because any conservative worth his salt —be he blue collar, Christian, or a suit— knows only one thing: Barack Hussein Obama must not become President. They know this is worse than when goddamned John Kerry made a run at it. An Obama administration will swamp the courts and schools and the bureaucracy with liberals and Leftists like you ain’t never seen before, jack. They’ll wreck Iraq, uncork Iran, and erase the border with Mexico. They’ll nationalize and unionize and put evangelicals to rout.

Instead of giving a damn about Hagee, what is McCain saying? He’s saying to certain idiots in the Republican Party that they best sound off like they love his candidacy because the alternative is worse. He’s also saying to these idiots that they need to bring the right message to the country and get off his ass. And I’m saying that, too: quit trying to prove your Republican bona fides to each other and focus on what a fucking disaster an Obama Administration would be. McCain is your only hope, idiots, so quit talking smack about him and get in line.

I can’t shake the feeling that Big Media has gone to a lot of trouble to give HRC the rope-a-dope comeback concoction to beat all just now. After kicking her in the nuts every day since Iowa, New Hampshire has been made into some sort of transcendent turn in the narrative that everybody can marvel at. You have people like Brokaw and Russert declaring her victory tonight one of the biggest upsets —if not the biggest upset— in American electoral history. Well, that’s fucking absurd. But it’s no surprise: they recognize that fluffing Obama may make for great political theater, but that he can’t get elected right now. Better to go with the Clinton Machine — which knows how to play at the liberals’ heartstrings, but without committing this country to the unvetted Leftism of the “Yes We Can” crowd.

The Republicans may have a problem with McCain locking horns with the Christian Right, but there are a lot of Obamists out there tonight who really hate the Clintons. I don’t know which split will be uglier in the end, but it should make for some entertaining days to come.

Check out this hippie in the school cafeteria, publicly supporting John Edwards. Right there on CNN for all the world to see. Man! He’s never going to live that down. That’s like Iowa Republicans voting for Mike Huckabee in a landslide.

Hillary thinks she’s above showing a little leg, but she’s wrong. Get feminized, woman, or forget about the Oval Office.

It’ll be funny if the Democrats actually make an essentially unknown black man their nominee just because he’s opposed to a war that he and they don’t have sense enough to recognize as historically positive for Arab/Muslim democracy and for American business. Wouldn’t that be something like conceding the bankruptcy of their position on this war and going ahead with a choice that says, “Look at us! We stood by our convictions and made a minority our nominee just so we could look ourselves in the eye again.”?

The System won’t let Hillary lose this nomination. Bill won’t allow it.

Because the Election of 2008 will be the next election to matter as none have ever mattered before, I will vote in the Republican primary. There is someone to vote for, not against, so no protest vote in the Democratic primary from me.

I don’t have a particular favorite, although I usually find myself rooting for Giuliani. I think he’d be a fine choice, but there’s a lot of negativity from some about his personal life. It may be a drag on him in the general.

I’d vote for Romney, if need be. McCain, certainly. In fact, I don’t know why McCain fell so far out of favor if it wasn’t the immigration thing. I trust him with my country, though. But candidates like Thompson, Paul, and Tancredo are not serious. And I’d never vote for Huckabee.

There are no Democrats I’d vote for in the general with the possible exception of Dodd. The rest of them are either communists, incompetents, or mentally ill. Can you imagine having to listen to Joe Biden for the next four or five years? Yecchhh!

It doesn’t matter to me whether retired Army general Keith Kerr —who asked the question in last night’s debate about the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy— is a “gay activist” or a raging, throbbing Democrat. The question itself is the thing; it’s not the questioner. Not in this, anyway. It’s true that CNN was almost cartoonishly unethical in failing to disclose Kerr’s affiliations, but that’s more on them than him, as far as I am concerned.

As for the other botanical selections in last night’s debate, I am not much more surprised at their own particular infiltrations. Debates are about the candidates, not the questioners. Even when it’s Russert —or Blitzer forewarned about being a Russert— the bottom line remains: it’s only the candidates’ reactions that matter. The questions can be as insolent or partisan as they can be and it still comes down to how these wannabes handle themselves.

I’m ashamed of Duncan Hunter for what he just said.

This general is right to stand up and tell it like he sees it. Thank you for your courage, sir.

Again, you will not see anything like this degree of ideological complexity tolerated among the filthy fucking totalitarians hiding out in the Democrat Party. That’s a stone fact.

Down with the deluded fucks in the so-called reality-based community.

Censor this, you lousy cowards.

Good. This is the part where the party instructs the American People on the fact that we are succeeding in Iraq.

The hippie cocksuckers will find out later.