02.16.09
Posted in America, Eminently Occidental, New Economy, Obama Administration, beauty, comedy, stupidity at 17:53 by Toby Petzold
If true, this post from Chris Walters at The Consumerist is the funniest shit of the year —so far:
You may have seen the commercial where Montel Williams hawks some goofy collectible coins with President Obama’s face IN FULL COLOR OMG. If you were planning on ordering some, though, watch this video from KATU 2 TV in Portland, Oregon first. A father and daughter bought the coins and discovered that they’re just regular money with color stickers applied. One of the news anchors even comments that she could see the face on the coin through the sticker when she looked at it from the side.
I recall commenting to a companion as we visited the Duomo in Naples how shabby the place really was. Before, he had been dismissive of St. Peter’s as something that merely “overwhelmed,” while I was practically laughing at the wallpapered “frescoes” in the Neapolitans’ holiest of holies. It was just about a santeria shrine in a New Orleans fish market.
That said, I can’t wait to hear Montel’s excuses. He’s as dirty as a Chicago politician.
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02.05.09
Posted in Big Media, Obama Administration, comedy at 19:06 by Toby Petzold
She’s like Rita Cosby, but without the integrity.
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02.02.09
Posted in America, Big Brother, Obama Administration, Science, comedy, marihuana, sports at 20:42 by Toby Petzold
Really? A world-class athlete smokes pot? Get outta here! Doesn’t Michael Phelps know that marihuana is a “gateway drug” to which he should have just said “no”?
According to the Federal Government, marihuana is a Schedule I controlled substance —just like heroin or ecstasy. Is that supposed to make sense? No, it’s fucking crap. Just accept it and move on.
Oh, and how about the biggest killer of them all? Where does tobacco rank? What “schedule” is nicotine?
Uh, well. It’s, uh, it’s not listed by the DEA on any of the schedules.
And, yet, it is a certified mass murderer. One that we tax and depend on for various actuarial reasons, of course, but a legally protected and widely available mass murderer.
How about it, President Obama? Where will your drug policies differ from J. Edgar’s?
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01.26.09
Posted in America, Big Media, Election of 2008, Obama Administration, Unexplained Mysteries, comedy, personal, stupidity at 16:43 by Toby Petzold
Jesus Christ! I just remembered that Joe Biden is the Vice President of the United States. There’s no excuse for that coming as a surprise to me, but it just did! Ha, ha! I have forgotten (i.e., chosen not to) watch Big Media’s transmissions to you humans for so long now (weeks and weeks!) that it was actually necessary —for the briefest moment— to search out that answer in the card catalog of my mind.
“Now, who’s our Vi—”
Joe Biden!
Ha, ha, ha!
Now, you kids won’t understand this, but take it from a very elderly 39 year-old: Biden is a clown-assed mofo. I’ve been watching this guy do his schtick for well-nigh a quarter-century and it’s all bullshit. Picking him for the VP was Obama’s final and most unambiguous word on his assessment of that office: it is not to be respected or to presume upon his own authority. Cheney wallered it out for a generation to come.
Biden isn’t impeachment insurance as Quayle was, but he is certainly a sacrificial anode on the pipe that Newguy is burying in America’s backyard right now. So enjoy the show, Changelings.
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10.20.08
Posted in America, Democrats, Election of 2008, New Economy, Unexplained Mysteries, comedy, moonbats, stupidity at 20:27 by Toby Petzold
I mean, like, holy shit, Joe (emphases mine):
“Mark my words,” the Democratic vice presidential nominee warned at the second of his two Seattle fundraisers Sunday [19 October 2008]. “It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking. We’re about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator president of the United States of America. Remember I said it standing here if you don’t remember anything else I said. Watch, we’re gonna have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy.”
“I can give you at least four or five scenarios from where it might originate,” Biden said to Emerald City supporters, mentioning the Middle East and Russia as possibilities. “And he’s gonna need help. And the kind of help he’s gonna need is, he’s gonna need you – not financially to help him – we’re gonna need you to use your influence, your influence within the community, to stand with him. Because it’s not gonna be apparent initially, it’s not gonna be apparent that we’re right.”
Ha, ha! What?! Is this why Biden’s no longer available for “availabilities”? Because his foot is in a constant struggle to get into and out of his big mouth? What on Earth is this man trying to suggest? That Obama’s inexperience itself will invite intrigue against us? And that, no matter what his responses are, the nauseating liberal morans will be expected to keep their regrets to themselves?
“Gird your loins,” Biden told the crowd. “We’re gonna win with your help, God willing, we’re gonna win, but this is not gonna be an easy ride. This president, the next president, is gonna be left with the most significant task. It’s like cleaning the Augean stables, man. This is more than just, this is more than – think about it, literally, think about it – this is more than just a capital crisis, this is more than just markets. This is a systemic problem we have with this economy.“
Watch your wallets, my friends. Clean and Jerk are about to steal your sorry, bourgeois asses blind. No? What “systemic problems” is Biden referring to, do you suppose? Insufficient taxation of the dirty business-owning class? That pesky antipathy working people have against giving their money to chain-smoking daytime TV-watchers who are working on baby number whatever?
You think wealth is the only thing that’s getting spread around here? The Great Society was so great that you just knew it had to have a sequel, so drop some trou and think of [England].
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10.03.08
Posted in American Military, Big Media, Bush Administration, Democrats, Election of 2008, History, Iran, Islamofascism, Israel, Judenhass, Lebanon, Unexplained Mysteries, comedy, stupidity at 22:01 by Toby Petzold
Among the many bizarre and inexplicable things Joe Biden said in last night’s debate, I nominate his brief history of modern Lebanon as the shiningest example:
When we kicked — along with France, we kicked Hezbollah out of Lebanon, I said and Barack said, “Move NATO forces in there. Fill the vacuum, because if you don’t know — if you don’t, Hezbollah will control it.”
Now what’s happened? Hezbollah is a legitimate part of the government in the country immediately to the north of Israel.
Has Biden gone mad? I ask this sincerely. Does he have some sort of organic brain disorder that would compel him to make such demonstrably untrue claims? Unbelievable. Read Michael J. Totten’s incredulous response:
What on Earth is he talking about? The United States and France may have kicked Hezbollah out of Lebanon in an alternate universe, but nothing even remotely like that ever happened in this one.
Nobody – nobody – has ever kicked Hezbollah out of Lebanon. Not the United States. Not France. Not Israel. And not the Lebanese. Nobody.
Joe Biden has literally no idea what he’s talking about.
Moreover, I have never once heard anything about Obama calling for NATO intervention in Lebanon. When did such a thing happen? When the Second Lebanon War broke out in the summer of 2006, was Obama really calling for NATO to keep the peace in Lebanon? Call me crazy, but I think that’s utter nonsense.
Needless to say, Big Media is far too busy fellating Obamachrist to question Biden’s hallucinatory account. Equally needless to add, although I must, is that such claims, had they been made by Hillary Clinton or Sarah Palin, would have drawn derisive howls from such miserable fluffers as David Gergen and Anderson Cooper and the other Leftist craphounds at CNN. Did the anti-American reporter Michael Ware manage to raise an eyebrow at the news that we evicted Hizballah from Lebanon? Doubt it.
In a just world, Biden’s remarks would be regarded as even weirder than Gerald Ford’s claim in his 1976 debate with Carter that there was no Soviet domination of Poland.
But this isn’t a just world.
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09.09.08
Posted in America, Election of 2008, comedy, racism at 21:05 by Toby Petzold
Even when the Obama campaign isn’t being sexist, they’re beginning to be perceived as such. Which is a fucking riot, dude. Because isn’t that essentially the same conundrum facing Obama’s critics who are falsely charged with racism?
Enjoying identity politics yet, hippies? You know Uncle Tobe is.
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08.24.08
Posted in comedy at 19:31 by Toby Petzold
Word on the street has it that Sandy Berger was hired on to supervise the Chicago Annenberg Challenge archives search-and-destroy mission this past week. Berger is said to have personally absconded with several pantloads of notes Obama took while on a fact-finding mission to Havana for the Annenberg project. Developing…
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08.08.08
Posted in America, Big Media, Democrats, Election of 2008, Eminently Occidental, comedy, moonbats, stupidity at 17:34 by Toby Petzold
The usual Leftist ninnies are just mewling about about John Edwards’ anti-climactic confession of adultery this afternoon, but I couldn’t care less about the Hyperambitious Phony’s love life; I’m frankly surprised he would take valuable time away from teasing his do to fornicate. The greatest scandal, after all, is not Silkiness’ human frailty, but the extreme and undeniable pro-Democratic bias of Big Media. I’m talking about the Tiffany Network and the Electric Peacocks and the Grey Lady and the Whore of Babylon (oh, alright —the Los Angeles Times). The major broadcast and cable news organizations and the major wire services that feed them put an unambiguous embargo on the mere discussion of a legitimate news story involving a man who was a Vice Presidential nominee in 2004. These craven manipulators of America’s public opinion took it upon themselves —in a massive group demonstration of antitrust— to purposely ignore what is now proven to be the truth about a major public figure. Had this major public figure been a Republican, there cannot be any question that the whole sordid thing would have been analyzed and hyped beyond all recognition. The New York Times made damned sure to wonder aloud on its front pages just a couple months ago about a flimsy non-story (i.e., a lie) involving John McCain and some female lobbyist, but then suddenly found journalistic integrity and declined to condescend to the level of the National Enquirer when it came to the Breck Girl? What monstrous hypocrisy. What discreditable conduct for the so-called Paper of Record.
Americans should be ashamed that we still permit a small handful of obvious Democratic partisans to control the greater part of the television and print media in this country. It is an indictment of our information-gathering habits —especially in these days of the World Wide Web— that the news isn’t news for most Americans until the man on the TV says so. The wretched Wolf Blitzer is on my TV right now, as a matter of fact, breathlessly unburdening himself about this nonsense when one knows that his network wouldn’t have just waited around for manna from heaven if this mess had been about Cheney or McCain; they would have sought it out like the craphounds they are. CNN wouldn’t have sat back wondering whether they should put their seal on this story —and thereby verify it in the public mind— but that’s what happened here, anyway, isn’t it? They waited until they couldn’t wait any longer. And for one reason: because John Edwards is a Democrat.
Big Media is a meretricious drag on the quality of our political discourse. It is a great joy to me every time I hear that Pinch Sulzberger’s stocks have fallen again or that the LA Times is laying off more and more staff or that nobody’s watching Madame Couric. Real, triumphant joy. I somehow believe —if only for a while— that it may yet be possible to really democratize our political knowledge as Americans and throw the sorry apologists out.
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07.20.08
Posted in America, Big Brother, Bush Administration, comedy, moonbats, stupidity at 14:50 by Toby Petzold
The hippies get all bent out of shape when you explain to them that George W. Bush isn’t actually spying on them, in particular. They so want to matter, but know they don’t. Therefore, the conspicuous cries foul, as though the pretense to offense were enough to make themselves into ”persons of interest” to McHitlerburton. Instead, these mostly-anonymous slanderers and libelers —raging against some cabal du jour of Jews, Texas oilmen, and Admiral Poindexter— are certain that their most recent blog post on FISA as a bill of right has gained them the attention of the Chimperor’s gestapo. These libtards are pathetic. Nobody cares and nobody is reading their anonymous shit.
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